REVIEWS:
TOILET PAPER
Edited version—a collaboration with Caro Cooper—published:
Frankie #25 (Sept/Oct 2008)
PLANET ARK/SAFE
2-ply, 240 sheets, 105x98cm
Appearance: Some of you refuse to buy white sheets or
underwear, since stains are harder to detect on non-white material. If
you are such a person (i.e. disgusting), this toilet paper is for you.
It has a brownish hue, like sourdough bread.
Scent: Like sourdough bread. Which is an improvement,
actually. Someone at Planet Ark has clearly changed the manufacturing
process in the last few years. Five years ago, I swear this stuff smelt
like possums.
Texture: Surprisingly okay. However, be warned: this is strictly
a summer purchase. There is no subtle way to say this. But in winter,
when “things” are “drier”, this will lacerate
you.
Bottom line: Safe is actually the toilet paper I buy on a day-to-day
basis. It’s a utilitarian, environmentally-sound, fragrance-free
bog-roll, and also one of the cheapest. This is important in a household
of men with fast metabolisms.
We paid: $3.38 for 6 rolls.
SORBENT: EXTRA THICK (DESIGNS)
2-ply, 190 sheets, 11x10cm
Appearance: When did people start designing toilet paper with
Adobe Illustrator CS3? If you like the pattern so much—and this
is a lovely one—it seems insulting to soil it with human waste,
over and over again. You design it so prettily, but what am I going to
do afterwards? Frame it?
Scent: Aggressively pleasant. It’s like they have
boiled a grandmother down, distilled her pensioner essence—lavender-scented
scalp and all—and sprayed the resulting liquid all over the sheets.
Foul.
Texture: Soft, albeit powdery. Are Sorbent trying to underhandedly
re-introduce the bygone practice of powdering one’s arse to the
youth? This is just a guess, but ladies: this might leave a powdery “residue”.
You know, “down there”. Connect the dots.
Bottom line: Imagine, if you will, using a well-padded duvet for toilet
paper. Slightly obscene, but indulgent nonetheless.
We paid: $6.99 for 8 rolls.
KLEENEX: COTTONELLE
Single-ply, 190 sheets, 11x10cm
Appearance: It feels wrong for a man to be using this. Not because
it undermines our masculinity, but because it seems indecorous to sully
a field of fresh lavender after a hard night out on the drink.
Scent: Again, smells like nanna.
Texture: As far as I could discern—these are single
ply. However (!), the individual sheets are as thick as Chux reusable
wipes. It’s as though the paper has been puffed like popcorn, or
an Aero bar. Subsequently, it yields to your body like a soft, silken
sponge. Captivating.
Bottom line: The packaging insists that I “Feel the Softness!”
As I rapturously rubbed these babies between my cheeks, I wanted to yell
out: “I do! I do!” It’s fitting that a baby labrador
is the mascot: it feels as though I’m using a soft, newborn pup
against my cheeks.
We paid: $4.87 for 6 rolls.
ENVIROSOFT
3-ply, 190 sheets, 11x10cm
Appearance: Envirosoft’s toilet rolls are so clean-looking
and geometrically-precise, they appear to be manufactured by the same
company that produces pristine Mormon underwear. You could peg these babies
against a brick wall and they would still retain their shape. Akin to
a ream of Reflex office paper, except for the arse.
Scent: Non-existent. Full points.
Texture: Its embossed dot texture comes courtesy of patented Enviro-Quilting™
techniques, based on the latest technology from Europe. Whatever. But
considering this is 100% recycled, it’s unexpectedly soft, without
leaving revolting residue or powdery feeling.
Bottom line: Envirosoft’s toilet paper appears
to be so white, absorbent, medical and sterile, I’d have no hesitation
using this on an open, seeping wound. Let’s face it, some days are
messy down there—much like a road accident—and warrants something
akin to surgical bandages. Extra points for the enviro-cred.
We paid: $4.33 for 8 rolls.
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Updated :: 08 September 2007
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Benjamin Law 2007