SURFACE
CLEANERS
Edited version published: Frankie #21 (Jan/Feb 2008)
COLES RELIANCE: ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER (750ml)
Test surface: Bathroom basin, covered in dust, human
hair, unidentifiable slime.
Verdict: Coles’s all-purpose cleaner
looks like a product you might find in North Korea—utilitarian,
no-nonsense and at $1.79 for 750ml, made for the proletariat. There are
no lavendar fields or citrus groves to be found on the packaging here.
But had they employed a graphic designer, the dominant motif might have
been a high school locker room: it’s all artificial lemons and bleach.
This product is not recommended if you were bullied in your teen years,
and are prone to olfactory-induced trauma flashbacks. Harsh but adequate.
We paid: $1.79
HURRICANE: PLANET GREEN MULTI-PURPOSE CLEANER (500ml)
Test surface: Microwave, on which layers of various cheeses and
sauces have accumulated.
Verdict: Hurricane’s surface cleaner is not only
better for the environment, but smells like it too. It’s as though
they’ve somehow distilled old growth forests and Canadian lakes
and bottled it. Hell, with a few adjustments, this could actually be mid-priced
cologne. So it was a pity to find this stuff was useless against my microwave.
To be fair, it would take something more hardcore—like, say, a chisel—to
get that crud off. But even against sticky, run-of-the-mill grime, this
stuff was only slightly more useful than creek water.
We paid: $3.99
EARTH CHOICE MULTI PURPOSE ENVIRO CARE (600ml)
Test surface: Dining table, after the complicated art of making
Vietnamese rice paper rolls.
Verdict: Now I’m always skeptical of anything with
a big fat Planet Earth slapped on its packaging. It’s such blatent—and
often deceptive—visual shorthand, and many of us green-leaners pick
it up without questioning the product’s credentials. Luckily, Earth
Choice passes the test planet-wise: grey water safe, recycled packaging,
no phosphates or animal testing. Unluckily, the odour—while fragiapani-ly
pleasant—is hard to get rid of, and the product itself is on the
weak side. Good for sloppy messes; not good for crusty ones.
We paid: $2.70
AJAX: SPRAY N' WIPE BAKING SODA MULTI-PURPOSE (500ml)
Test surface: Kitchen stovetop, crusted over with unidentifiable,
burnt-on hideousness.
Verdict: Any mother worth her salt will tell you that
humble bicarbonate soda is an amazing, natural all-purpose cleaner and
odour-eater. Combined with the power of citrus, surely we were onto a
winner here. But while the bottle looks like someone’s handed you
some sort of marvellous Tahitian cocktail, the smell is more like someone’s
handed you a bouquet of limes, sulfuric acid and Toilet Duck. Still, this
was militarily effective against hardcore kitchen messes. But then again,
so too would napalm. An effective cleaner, if you’re willing to
tolerate the fumes.
We paid: $3.79
PINE O CLEEN: 4-IN-1 MULTI PURPOSE PINK GRAPEFRUIT CLEANER (500ml)
Test surface: Kitchen benchtop, strewn with various condiments
and pastes.
Verdict: As a fruit, pink grapefruit is delicious, but
that still doesn’t explain its sudden, pervasive explosion into
our everyday products: soft-drinks, confectionery, and now, our household
all-purpose cleaners. Using this will leave your kitchen or bathroom smelling
of Tiro pop and Japanese bubblegum (quite the novelty), and its effectiveness
as a cleaner is okay. However, this isn’t recommended for households
with small children. The tykes will want to spray this delightfully fragrant—albeit
toxic—foam directly into their mouths. I did.
We paid: $3.99
CITRO CLEAN: MULTI PURPOSE CLEANER (500ml)
Test surface: Kitchen stovetop, on which cheese had melted,
only to solidify into concrete.
Verdict: It’s a big call, but I’m just going
to say it: this is the Holy Grail of surface cleaners. Sure, it’s
the most expensive by a long margin, and the smell lingers around for
a little, but hear me out. It’s made from oranges, is biodegradable
and eats through everything like nobody’s business. Amongst its
myriad claims, it also promises to make easy work of “adhesive residue”,
“candle wax” and “pet urine”. I don’t doubt
it for a second. My stovetop’s recent cheese genocide had left a
goddamned mess, but I almost wept hot, grateful tears after using this
product. It gets rid of bird shit, too.
We paid: $7.44
CINDERELLA: ALL OVER YOUR HOME MULTI-PURPOSE MINT SPRAY (500ml)
Test surface: Plastic fridge shelf, a reservoir of miscellaneous
congealed horrors.
Verdict: They’re an independent company, environmentally-friendly,
and kind to your lungs if you’ve got allergies. But dear god, someone
hire a new packaging designer. This thing looks like a budget leave-in
hair conditioner bought at a suburban salon warehouse. The label seems
to suggest you use this as deoderant, and describes the product as “like
a breath mint for your home”. I wasn’t aware my home was like
a gaping, dehydrated maw with halitosis, but whatever. This smells like
Wrigley’s Spearmint gum and was only mildly effective.
We paid: $4.99
SEVENTH GENERATION: NATURAL ALL PURPOSE CLEANER (946ml)
Test surface: Top of fridge, slathered with a year’s worth
of dust and strange, glue-like residue.
Verdict: From the liberal, green-voting, pinko-loving
haven that is Vermont, USA, comes Seventh Generation’s surface spray.
Of course, this covers all environmental bases: hypo-allergenic, no phosphates,
perfume/dye-free, no animal testing, blah-blah-blah. Only something from
Vermont could also include an inspirational quote conveying a touchy-feeliness
not often associated with mass-produced cleaning products. All up, mild
enough to be used on glass, but strong enough to get rid of sticky, unidentifable
crud. Like Al Gore, this is gentle, but firm.
We paid: $9.46
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Updated :: 28 December 2007
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Benjamin Law 2007