FRANKIE #28
(Mar/Apr 2009)

RAMEN REVIEWS
Edited version published:
Frankie #28 (Mar/Apr 2009)

Maggi 2 Minute Noodles: Chicken & Corn
Origin: Malaysia
Verdict: It’s true: Asians do love their corn. In Malaysia, you’ll find cups of the stuff offered as a side dish at McDonald’s, so the marriage of corn and ramen was perhaps inevitable over there. But something’s gone terribly wrong here. The smell is weirdly buttery and popcorn-sweet, disconcertingly like your suburb’s local budget cinema. Also, the sachet powder flavouring here is so yellow, it resembles the ground-up fingernails of an 80-year-old chain-smoker. Weirdly expensive too.
Will it kill you? It might smell weird, but Maggi worked hard in getting fat levels close to zero. A sachet of dehydrated, shrivelled vegetables adds to the idea that you’re eating something healthy.
Try: if you have a sweet-tooth.
We paid: $1.02

YumYum Oriental Style Instant Noodle: Chicken
Origin: Thailand
Verdict: If a real chicken had been involved in the noodle-making process, it was clearly a confined, diseased battery hen who’d lost its eyes. This stuff smells as poisonous as KFC. Will it kill you? Oh yes. Upon closer inspection, 20% of this product—a whopping 12 grams—is pure fat, half of which is the saturated kind which will induce a speedy coronary. Run for your lives, people. But only run if you’ve managed to avoid this product thus far. If you’ve already encountered it, you’re probably at the point where your ankles are so large, they’re unable to support the act of running. Our sympathies.
Try: if you have a death wish.
We paid: $0.50

Nissin Instant Noodle: Seafood
Origin: Hong Kong
Verdict: Generally, I’m suspicious of foods that claim to capture the taste of an entire buffet—like things that are “barbecue” or “tropical” in flavour. “Seafood” flavour is perhaps the most repellent concept of all. But who can resist Nissan’s cute little noodle mascot? Not me! Surprisingly, the flavour here is subtle and delicious. But be careful: the ingredients weirdly contains pork, and the powder is derived from scallops and clams. Turn away my Jewish friends: these noodles are like the opposite of kosher.
Will it kill you? Yes: again, there’s a 20% fat rating here. As the Cookie Monster once said, this is strictly a “sometimes food”.
Try: with Asian greens and fresh seafood, and you’ve nearly got a legitimate meal.
We paid: $0.84

Wei Lih Instant Noodle: Onion
Origin: Taiwan
Verdict: These noodles are an acquired taste, as are more foodstuffs where “onion” is the dominant flavour. But because I grew up with Wei Lih Instant Noodles, the smell of these takes me back to childhood. A childhood of greasy, greasy noodles. Yum.
Will it kill you? Instantly. These babies are the fattiest of the lot, clocking in a massive 26.2% worth of fat. It’s mind-boggling, attempting to figure out how anyone could pack that much grease into something that is, essentially, wheat. But then you scan the packaging and the secret is unveiled: one of the listed key ingredients is “refined animal oil”. That’s right folks: you’re literally eating lard.
Try: as a delicious form of euthanasia.
We paid: $0.75

IndoMie Instant Noodles: Mi Goreng
Origin: Indonesia
Verdict: If you’ve ever done an undergraduate degree, you’ll have gone through dark periods—usually before exams—where these noodles became your diet staple. Eventually, you’d emerge from your tests and assignments triumphant, only to realise you were facing the summer holidays hideously bloated and large. These delicious noodles are addictive as crystal meth, and just as destructive.
Will it kill you? In time. About a tenth of these noodles are fat. A slow but sure death, then.
Try: it the way the Indonesians do, and try to add some nutrition with frozen peas and a boiled egg.
We paid: $0.62

You’ll Love Coles 2 Minute Noodles: Oriental
Origin: Singapore
Verdict: While Oriental flavoured noodles always amuse me (what’s next: Caucasian ice-cream?) they’re usually a safe bet if you’re avoiding more experimental Frankenstein-ish abominations in ramen land. Here, one would think the crackwhore associations of home brand would only exacerbate the shame coupled with two-minute noodles. But these are surprisingly tasty, healthy and don’t leave a nasty aftertaste. An unexpected thumbs up.
Will it kill you? Nope. There’s very little fat in this at all. However, you’d be forgiven if you want to kill Danni, the model on the packaging who is, according to the caption, constantly up for “a quick fill”. Gross.
Try: if you’re poverty-stricken, but health-conscious.
We paid: $0.53

Nong Shim Shin Ramyun: Hot & Spicy
Origin: Korea
Verdict: Hands down, the best of the lot. Once cooked, these noodles come out soft but with bite, like good al-dente pasta. The flavour is of Korean restaurant-quality kim-chee noodles—the type of restaurant with, like, napkins and everything. Note: the instructions insist you cook these with three cups of water. Follow the advice, otherwise you’ll just end up with chilli sauce. Spicylicious.
Will it kill you? Unfortunately, yes. Close to 15% of these things are pure fat. So yes, you’ll die, but you’ll die happy, and with your nitpicky tastebuds appeased.
Try: if you never settle for less.
We paid: $1.45

Instant Sweet Potato Noodle: Sichuan Pickled Cabbage
Origin: China
Verdict: No cooking is required here: just pour hot water over the thing. While that might scream convenience to you, everything else about these noodles—“Sichuan Pickled Cabbage” flavour; made in China—screamed diarrhoea to me, the type you get hiking through the Orient drinking unboiled water. Surely enough, the resulting mix looks like liquid faeces, mainly because the seasoning sachet appears to contain a concentrated soup of algae and industrial waste. Predominant flavours here are chilli, vinegar and vomit. Two hours later, I still couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth and needed a sit-down.
Will it kill you? Despite the fact it’s just sweet potato and pickled cabbage, they’ve somehow still managed to lace these things with 13% fat. Hurrah.
Try: if you hate yourself and don’t respect your body.
We paid: $0.53


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Last Updated :: 19 April 2009
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