MODERN
ETIQUETTE WITH BETH DITTO
Edited version published: Frankie #22 (Mar/Apr 2008)
Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto has demanded people kiss her naked arse,
repeatedly exposed her naked crotch on stage, and purposefully vomited
on hecklers during live shows. So it might come as a surprise that she
is also one of the most polite and charming people you’ll ever talk
to. As a woman of the world, she discusses modern-day etiquette with frankie.
Is it appropriate to use someone’s toilet immediately after
arriving at their house?
Oh, it’s impolite to expect your friends to hold it. It’s
not good for their body. Just come to my house and take a dump! “I’ve
got to take a shit,” that’s what I say. Or else, I say “doo-doo”
or “number two”. Although, I probably wouldn’t say that
in front of a grandmother at Christmas. I’d say, “Where’s
the restroom?”
When is it okay to cuss?
I can’t cuss in front of children or old people, unless
the old person started it. When I swear in front of children accidentally,
I want to beat myself up. I want to throw myself into the river. Generally
though, no words are off limits, but you shouldn’t be fucked up.
Being creative and shocking is one thing, but saying something homophobic
or racist? That’s just boring.
Should young women ever fart or belch?
It’s always appropriate, especially at funerals. See, I
speak from experience. [laughs] No, I don’t. Just thought I’d
give you a good one-liner.
Does one ever use fingers whilst eating?
Oh yes, especially with Thanksgiving turkey dinner. I don’t
even use a knife. Those birds are just asking for it—filthy scoundrels!
Actually, in America, we don’t use a knife and fork. We just use
a fork. You cut up steak with a knife, but with your right hand. You put
down the knife, and you eat the bits you cut with the fork. We don’t
use them simultaneously. The first time I was outside of the country in
England, I was blown away. I was like: “Everyone’s so posh
here—they eat with a knife and fork!” Then I realised everyone
in Europe and Australia did too.
In what situations should young women enjoy getting naked?
Not when your grandmother comes over on Sunday for a visit. But
otherwise, whenever you want to. I am naked quite often, and in my underwear
a lot.
When choosing clothes, what is more appealing: modesty or daring?
It’s a fine line sometimes. I like daring the best. The
minute you think you shouldn’t wear something, is the minute you
should put that spandex skirt on. Not wearing underwear can be sexy, but
not with Paris Hilton’s vagina. Context is everything.
What makes a good hostess?
Someone who can make a delicious devilled egg. You have to have
either good DJ-ing skills or a PlayStation, so you can play Soul Calibur
III. You must also have cake. I used to bake things all the time when
I was at home more. I went to this phase for a while when I always had
a chocolate cake, all the time. It’s true.
How important is personal hygiene?
I’m very hygienic. I have to bathe every day— I don’t
like to take showers—and shave my legs every single day, no matter
what. I’m not that hairy, but I think I like the control. Although,
I think it’s gross when people shave their entire vagina, but whatever.
It’s just like pre-pubescent children. I’m very high maintenance.
I wash my hair every two days, and pumice my feet every day. Then I moisturise
my entire body. It’s very, very important, moisturising. Don’t
let anyone tell you otherwise.
Should sex on the first date be allowed?
Of course! Hello, ladies!
What is the most polite way of discerning someone’s sexual
preference?
Just be like: “Y’all gay?” Anyone offended
by that question is just annoying, either way. Like, who fucking cares?
You know what I mean?
BACK TO SELECTED WORKS INDEX
Last
Updated :: 29 March 2008
All Content ©
Benjamin Law 2008